eveningdrive no more?

I look at my life right now, and I can't help but contrast it to the time when the handle "eveningdrive" was born. Even after so many years, I still do not know the exact reasons why it started. Perhaps its just as simple as "I love to drive". Between getting my student driver's permit and actually getting my driver's license card (which we all know then was actually 90 days after the first day you're supposed to get it, they just stamp the extension on the piece of paper that serves as your temp license) I probably clocked a lot of distance on Aubrey's odometer, and that was just the first year of driving. For those of you who aren't familiar with her, "Aubrey" was the name of my first car, a red, box-type Mitsubishi Lancer, which was around waaaaaay before Aubrey Miles. Why Aubrey? See, the day I got the car, I turned on the Pioneer radio (the metal one, the one with the turn dial) and the very first song that played was "and Aubrey was her name...". So I thought "Hey! Maybe this car is trying to tell me something!".

If only that car could talk, hay nakoh, it would have a ton of stories to make you laugh, reminisce and blackmail me with. I recall the price of gas then was only P14 and diesel was around 7 or 8 pesos yata. So there I was, driving in the wee hours of the morning around a flyover-less metro sometimes reaching as far as Tagaytay, hence the saying "Tagaytay? Malapit lang kay Robert and Tagaytay." Everyone was in college then, and most of the folks I knew were still active with SHARE. Thus, we had a lot free time then, and because of our trips to La Salle Lipa and where else, our parents were conditioned not to see us around the house during weekends.

Yep, I think that's how it started... and eventually folks would just call (no celfones then, beeper pa lang) and ask if I would be driving around that night, and if I wanted company. Some would just ask if we just could, because they were having a bad day and just needed someone to listen to them. Des and Otep, being part of the SHARE core group, were the usual suspects, followed by Cris, Charmaine, Nicky, Sheila and the rest. I recall referring to Des and Otep in a past article as the "evil mutant car accessories".

Soon it wasn't just me, often the body count would be more than just 3 people. The cars changed too, along with passengers. I recall driving a Kia Pride (yes! i fit!) and eventually the Mitsubishi Adventure I have now. The names changed too. Kath and Ranier would top that list, along with Mon, Jehan, Aileen, Euge, Simon, Anton, Jason, Maricon, Angela and Anna Sob who were my constant backseat drivers. In recent times, the guys from high school would re-assert their passenger status: Rhob, Jene and Javi being the most notorious. In the end though, if any had an all time claim to fame, it would be Ayette.

It never really bothered me, in fact I was always grateful for the company. Though the price of fuel would skyrocket as the years passed, and most thought that it would curb my wanderlust, it seemed I always had an extra 200 bucks to spare for drive-juice. Of course, 200 bucks now doesn't go as far as it did then, but hey, as long as the car moved without me pushing. Even during my thesis, or now when I need to spend more time reading the theses of my students, I still found time to cruise even if it wasn't as prolific as 3 times a week, unlike before.

Meeting Malou though, created a jump in the frequency of my night time drive arounds. See folks, Mals is insomniac (I can now actually hear the lot of you saying "Aaah, kaya naman pala. Now I get it.") and so it seemed that everything fell into place.

Things changed however. At this moment, as this sentence is being written, it is now 12am. That is prime evening drive time. Yet for the past month since Mals left for India (dai Accenture!!!) I find myself rushing home so I can get the chance to hear her voice and talk to her over the YM PC-to-PC call feature. Reflecting more, I realize that this behavior, this lack of driving around, had been gradually surfacing in my life.

This bothered me. The "eveningdrive" persona is a big, big part of my life. It has been a defining factor, a guide post to who I am and more importantly, who I choose to be. That name and all the memories and activities that come with it has been a significant slice of my personhood. Driving around at night while listening to the radio and being alone with my thoughts and dreams has not only been my joy, it has been my refuge.

So there I was, unmoving in the middle of this thought that threatened to overwhelm my already lacking contemplative ability. I was paralyzed, not knowing what to do or how to think. I was torn between my life then and the road that lay before me. I'll be honest, when I chose this path from all those available to me at that turning point, I didn't exactly know what I was getting into.

Funny thing is, sometimes, you don't have to. I will be the first one to say that we should all discern the paths before us and be conscious of the possible consequences our choices may bring. When you are on a ledge with an inviting body of water below you, you wouldn't want to blindly jump in like every other idiot that God, who works in mysterious ways, seem to tolerate and allow to contaminate the gene pool. What if there were rocks down there, or piranhas, or if the water was only 3 feet deep? What if somebody just peed, and jumping would mean gulping a mouthful of piss from previously mentioned idiot?

However as you stare down at the water weighing the consequences, some idiot rushes past you and jumps into the water, yelling at the top of his lungs and creating a big splash as he hits the water. As he falls you see him, smiling and exhilirated, eyes wide with fear and joyful anticipation.

And then you realize that sometimes, you just have to leap. You just have to see for yourself what is out there and for a moment rediscover what magic is. A moment, agonizing because of its brevity, where you throw away all your fears and doubts and let go, eyes wide with fear and joyful anticipation.

I did that. And like that glorious idiot who ran past and leapt, you find that you eventually surface, laughing so loud and so damn pleased with yourself. No wonder God tolerates them... err... us.

I am still "eveningdrive", but not the same eveningdrive that I was before. I know that now. If in the past the faces of my passengers would change, now there will be one face who will always be there when I turn to my right. Now there will always be a warm embrace when the stoplight seems to damnably persist in staying red.

Now I know that everytime I go out to drive, I will no longer be alone.

And that, makes me happy.

This is now who I am, and more importantly, this is who I choose to be.

-----

I look at her and have to smile
As we go driving for a while
Her hair blowing in the open windows of my car
As we go the traffic lights
I watch them glimmer in her eyes
In the darkness of the evening

And I've got all that I need
Right here in the passenger seat
Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road
Knowing that she's inches from me

We stop to get something to drink
My mind pounds and I can't think
Scared to death to say I love her
Then a moon peeks from the clouds
Hear my heart that beats so loud
Try to tell her simply

That I've got all the I need
Right here in the passenger seat
Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road
Knowing that she's inches from me

Oh and I've got all the I need
Right here in the passenger seat
Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road
Knowing that she's inches from me

Oh and I know this love grow

Oh and I've got all the I need
Right here in the passenger seat
Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road
Knowing that she's inches from me

And I've got all that I need
Right here in the passenger seat
Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road
Knowing that she's inches from me

And I've got all that I need
Right here in the passenger seat
Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road
Knowing that she's inches from me

And I've got all that I need
Right here in the passenger seat